On some level most healthy members of society see themselves as uninteresting. You’ve had the time to rooominate on yourself and your thoughts for so long that you know them like the back of your hand. Whereas, an analysis video by some stranger online is incredibly interesting and poigant as someone who’s only learning these things now. This dichotomy between audience and writer are natural, but I think I’m partcularly uninteresting standing out in the crowd.
As a 14 year old (turning 15 later this month) who barely leaves his room I can’t cite crazy stories or experiences from my past because I haven’t experienced much of anything and if the oppurtinuity was there I’d probably stay where I am and watch fucking youtube. I admire people who can draw from having experienced an array of things and have the analytical skills to quantify what those experiences meant in the narrative of their existence.
With these more personal anicidotal posts, I have a lot of things to say because it’s close to home. It’s me. It’s not some Anime series I watched a few episodes of desperately trying to conguer up a paragraph or two. I know the ideas and can explain them in as much depth as I want. When the writers I look up to talk about how they bang out a new script in an hour this is what they’re talking about. A pure unadulterated flow of ideas that I had BEFORE going in and not forcing some kind “analysis” for a show purely to get views, when in reality I have nothing of value to add to the discourse.
I bring all this up because I’ve been struggling with my writing as of late. Every show I watch is watched with the intent of talking about when in fairness, not every show can be talked about in depth from one guy and especially a guy who’s not well versed within the subject. Eromanga-Sensei is a relatively popular A1 Pictures show that seemed promising from the first episode, but despite some minor musings on the culture light novel authors and praise for one or two jokes, I have no idea what to say about this show. 1: I know very little about comedy Anime. The only anime I’ve seen that can be classifed as comedy is K-ON, but that’s more of a character driven show. 2: I know next to nothing about “incest animes”. This show has already been talked about as a potential incest show. It was clearly hinted at, but the question when writing about the show is what do I HAVE TO SAY? Nothing.
Before I can properly call myself a “media analyst” or churn out valuable content with my channel I most first understand the work I’m talking about and the medium that surrounds it. This may sound like basic stuff to you, but it’s something I’ve grappled with my entire life. When I started drawing seriously I never tried understanding other drawings or comprehend how to truly do this. I just BS’ed my way through. The same instance occured throughout my entire School life wherein, every test was a mental struggle to somehow create a force in which I could just scoot by with the least effort and understnading of what the fuck I was actually doing. When YouTube came around I didn’t even have a camera nor a decent microphone. I spent 3 months saying content would come and by the time it did I half-assed it to the point of anal obliteration.
If I had spent just a bit more time with every bad experience assesing what my capablities are and worked on studying whatever I jumped into the ride would always be a bit smoother with far less stress. I create the stress. In trying to reinvent I completely miss the car sitting right in front of me. I doubted myself heavily and even considered quiting my pursuit of writing in the process of making that script because i felt i wasn’t good enough or this wasn’t for me. In reality, I just had no idea what I was talking about or lacked any real ideas. If the starting before I’ve gained my footing was spent researching and working to understand what I’m too excited and obsessed with the image of being an analyst, the ego, the money, the E-Frame, the community, and (potentially) the women. All of this idealization is worthless in the face of “you got shit content son”.
Rome wasn’t built in a day, it was built by what could be done in a day. These things take time, and I find myself more innamered with being a writer than actually talking about media. Clearly just by the joy this post has brought me among the other posts where I did know what I was talking about this is fun. I love what I’m doing. I’m just doing it wrong. Until I can properly understand Anime by having seen enough shows and praciticing writing my thoughts on this blog, I might as well write what I know instead. Writing what you know reaps the best results in my case.
Well shit, this sure got off topic from what was meant to be a post about how boring I am. I’m breaking a few of my own rules here. Good. If this analysis of myself as proven anything, it’s that my judgement isn’t the best. My inexperienced and uneventful ass has brought upon quite the termoil, but that was then this is now. Everyday I want to create a better future for myself in this pursuit of passion. The YouTube channel might be different for awhile. One video a week will keep me on my toes in terms of content, but what I’m writing should be different. Less complacent, more experimental, more willing to be myself, and proving to the audience I’m more than just a clickbait hack. The rules I’ve given myself like “blog every show” has lowered my self confidence expotentially. And of course. If you force impossible standards on yourself when you have no way of meeting them you’re going to feel bad. That feeling was purely self imposed.
I’m sure I could compile the “100 most important Anime to watch” that would help me understand the medium I’m trying to talk about. And in the meantime study analysis and storytelling a lot more. Practice, practice, but with things I understand. There are a few select series I have such a personal relationship with that in the context of Anime overall (or other stuff I don’t know) they lie more with me. I can talk about them very in depth becuase I have things to say. That should be what my channel is from now on. Summer is almost here and in that time I should be expected to watch that preverbial fuck ton of shows and maybe I’ll have an idea for one of them individually.
It’s important that I grow as a writer first before trying to achieve this fame. YouTube is easy to mine for success currently. If you have a forseeable gimmick and talk trends in a undersaturated fandom you’ll get the views no problem. Accessiblity will help with the subs end of the spectrum, but for my overall enjoyment with my work I need to get better. I need to talk about things I have know about. And maybe just maybe in that realization, through years of work I might just get that success on Patreon doing what I truly am passionate about. If that’s the case, I’ve been barking up the wrong tree this entire time.